Tarzan won't talk to me

In some ways, today could not have gone better, in others it could not have gone worse. Tarzan and I didn't sleep very well - we were pretty much awake and snuggling from 4AM on. Finally I got up at 5:45, showered quick and we were out the door at 6:05 to head to RMA. We arrived at 6:30 and I was the first one in line. Dr. Wolf saw the look on my face and she asked me if I cheated. I said "yes" and then she said "well we'll see". Nurse Tania took me back to get my blood drawn and tears were just rolling down my face. She asked me if my husband was in the car and I said yes. I stopped by the bathroom on the way out to dry my tears and out to the car I went. Tarzan and I stopped at Meijers to get some milk and blueberries so I could have a bowl of cereal. We were home by 7:30. I ate my cereal and Tarzan took the phone upstairs to wait for the call. I had told him he had to take the call. I then laid down on the couch and closed my eyes, but my heart was beating out of my chest. The doctor called just before 9:00 AM and Tarzan answered the call with such anticipation. He happily said "good morning Doctor". It was a very short call. I heard him say "oh" and "thank you". He came downstairs and I still had the pillow over my head; he said "you were right" and walked away. I sat up after a few minutes and punched the couch a few times. I then went downstairs and sat with the cats for about 15 minutes. I came back upstairs and walked into the kitchen where Tarzan was making himself breakfast. I walked up to him and he said "I don't want to talk about it". I walked away and went into my office and updated my blog and facebook. I then went upstairs and he was in bed and I said to him "I didn't want to talk, all I wanted was a hug, so I'm going to Anne's". I changed my clothes and with tears a flowing, I walked out of the house.

Fortunately my dear friend Anne was a total sweetheart to me today. I walked in with my box of kleenex and we hugged. She had the same box of kleenex waiting for me. We ended up going to Starbucks so I could have a real coffee and we chatted there for a while. Well really I chatted and got a lot off my chest. Anne listened. Then we went back to her house - I did my makeup and she did her hair (which is growing back beautifully after chemo, but she doesn't think so). We went to Target and then to lunch at Bravo. We had wine and I had a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. What perfect comfort food. We went back to her house and I took a nap on her couch. Unfortunately I had a dream that I slammed the basement door at my house and decapitated my cat. I'm guessing that's a dream about my fear of killing everything I love or something. Who knows. I woke up from my nap and Anne listened some more to me vent. She was such a good friend today. I then thought it was a good idea that I go home. Well it turns out it wasn't.

I walked in the house and Tarzan was on the computer with his back turned. He didn't say hello, nor did I. I went to visit the cats for a while and changed their litter. I changed into my walking clothes and shoes and by then Tarzan was sitting outside on the driveway. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk and he said no. Off I went for a one hour walk around our sub. I got home and went upstairs and Tarzan was back in bed. I grabbed my pajamas, took a shower, came out of the bathroom and asked him if he wanted me to get into bed next to him. He said no.

I'm not sure if he's just mad at the situation, he's mad at me for leaving for 7 hours, or he's blaming me for this not working. It is rather typical Tarzan behavior for when the going gets tough. He goes into his man cave and won't talk to me. I hope we can survive this. Before we decided to get married, this was his biggest concern - me being able to have kids due to my age. Well his biggest fear has come to fruition. Even his sperm issue seems to be resolved. His last 2 sperm analyses showed totally normal sperm. All the more ammunition for him to blame me and wish he'd never married me. Unfortunately until I came into his life, he'd never really dealt with adversity. His life had gone just like he planned. Then he met me and nothing in my life has ever gone as planned. I've had a very "adversity-filled" life. Today really could not have been worse with Tarzan. I had the coffee and the wine, but certainly not the sex and love from my husband. The new blog may be waiting longer than I thought.