10dp3dt or 13 dpo - BFN

Yes I POAS'd again this morning, I figured I may as well use up the expired HPTs I have. One of them just expired in May, so I highly doubt it is wrong. Both tests were negative, so I'm preparing myself for the worst tomorrow. Oh yes I know there are exceptions such as Nancy who didn't get a positive until 14dpo, but realistically my chances are slim. I tend to fall on the wrong side of the stats every time anyway. I need to start the grieving today because Tarzan still has so much hope, that I know I'm going to need to support him tomorrow when we get the news. I told him to prepare for bad news tomorrow, but I didn't tell him that I POASd again. I just told him it was because I didn't have any symptoms yet.

He just left to attend his godfather's funeral. He didn't want me to go, so I plan to lay around and cry all day and take a nap with one of my cats. Then I'll change the sheets before Tarzan gets home so he doesn't know the cat was there.

I will tell you this much, if I ever do a fresh DE cycle** again (and that is highly, highly, highly doubtful), I will never do a 3 day transfer again. If those damn embryos aren't strong enough to make it in the lab until day 5, then I don't want them going in me. It's a waste of time, money and emotion. I do not know when we will do the FET (mom that means Frozen Embryo Transfer). Depends how much it will cost. Considering Tarzan has been unemployed for 6 months and we just spent $15k (yes we had some insurance but that is now maxed out). I don't know when we'll spend the money on the FET. If that doesn't work, I would say we are done. **We are just not going to keep spending thousands and thousands of dollars on what appears to be a lost cause.

I am going to ask the doctor if there are any other tests they can run on me to see if I am somehow killing the embryos. I have no idea, but it is a question.

Mom - please take that adorable baby hat and blanket you made and give it to someone else. I'm sure there is some knocked up single mother in Marysville who would appreciate it - perhaps Shannon? FYI for the rest of you - Shannon is my cousin's ex-wife who got knocked up by some dude after her divorce from my cousin - she had gotten pregnant by someone else while married to my cousin and had an abortion, so she felt so guilty about that, she decided to keep this baby. Oh and yeah she is the same age as me. Such a deserving mother don't you think?.

If you haven't figured it out already - there is going to be a lot of anger, sarcasm and hatred coming out of me for the next several days, so if you do not need that in your life right now, I suggest you take a break from my blog and come back in a couple of weeks. I'm sure I will recover and bounce back pretty quickly - I always do, but it won't be before I spew out ever angry and evil thought in my head. Disclaimer - I know there are people much worse off than me. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and once I get over the anger - I'll go back to being the happy go lucky Kelly that I usually am, and I'll accept the fact that Tarzan and I will most likely always be a family of 2. I know there are much worse things in life than just not being able to have kids. I really do. However in the meantime I will be expressing my anger, sadness, and disappointment over spending the last 14 months planning for this moment only for it to be a fucking waste of everything!

Coming later or tomorrow - how I plan to spend my Sunday - drinking coffee, wine and having sex!