Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Exhausted
I'm so tired. Good sleep has still not returned. I had a meltdown after midnight because I couldn't sleep. I haven't slept well in over 10 days and it is to the point where I'd rather die than live like this (don't worry I'm not suicidal, just flippin exhausted). Went downstairs, ate cereal and vented and screamed. In a way it was good because I got out some anger, frustration and tears. Tarzan hugged me and he agreed with me when I told him that I'd rather not have kids than to have to go through this anymore. I don't want any more shots, doctor appointments, anything! He said he was really sad and angry today (which is now yesterday), and the trying is just getting to be too much. He just wants us to be happy again and he said we will.
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5 comments:
I totally understand the exhaustion, it's all so very overwhelming. I'm glad you and Tarzan are leaning on each other to get through this.
No matter what you decide to do, I hope it's something that makes you happy and gives you peace.
This whole process is so overwhelming, and emotionally it is exhausting. Not to mention your sleep is all messed up, maybe you could take some sort of sleep aid for a few days to get your body back on track? I have no idea, never taken sleeping pills, but your doc may have answers about that.
I love that you wrote out your list of questions, it is good to have something to refer to. For us poor chicks on the wrong side of the numbers, it is hard to understand how the odds aren't in our favor, but even the most fertile people don't conceive EVERY month. Hoping you find answers, and peace. Good luck!
PS - I am in awe that your appt is so soon after the BFN! I hate my clinic sometimes.
Seems like your at a breaking point.
After reading all your questions for the doctors, i honestly would just want to give up, that's just me of course. But how can you give up on your dream???
I have a friend who is going through 5 years of infertility treatments spent well ove $50k and now is going through foster to adopt process. It's taken her a long time to accept the fact she can not have her own biological child, but she's learning too, through therapy. (she is older too, but husband has sperm issues. The worst part is her husband did get a girl pregnant in his early 20's but she had an abortion).
Good luck in what every you decide, but it seems like you've made some progress with Tarzan, at least talking things through and no more silent treatment.
P.S. When do you think Wal*mart will start selling babies, they sell every thing else????? hahaha just kidding.
In my initial stages of grief, it felt like I slept a lot and then...nothing. I was exhausted and everything hurt, especially my heart. I just spoke with my grandmother today and she told me she's only sleeping about three hours a night which leads me to believe this is all just a part of the super sucky 'grief process.'
When I blogged about my insomnia, several people suggested doing a hot water bath or foot bath. It actually worked for me. I'll be thinking of you tonight...
I felt exactly the same way at one point. But then I tried again. Maybe you'll feel healed enough at some point to go there, but whatever you decide, I hope you find peace.
((HUGS)))
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