I am at the stage (and Tarzan probably is too) where you feel physically ill. I haven't felt this way since Patty died. I so want to move on past this phase. Even taking 2 tylenol PMs didn't help me sleep - just made me feel drunk when I got up to go to the bathroom. Tarzan is talking to me again, he came to bed last night and snuggled me this morning. He is just very angry at the doctors and has a lot of questions for them. He is also mad that we went forward with the 3 day transfer and didn't wait til day 5. I may have several updates today, so this is the first.
Oh and I took a sick day from work. Tarzan and I are cleaning the house like mad to work off some frustration and waiting for Dr. Miller to call.
4 comments:
Glad T is coming around! I do hope you are able to have a follow up with your doctors. I hope you get some answers.
oh you sweetheart, this is so awful. I am fighting back the tears. There is so much you are dealing with.
I am stunned T. had doubts about marrying you b/c of your age/baby-making abilities. He must know he could've married a 20 yr-old who turned out to be or became infertile. Age is no proper indicator. (ok, unless you're 55)
The other thing that's terrible is you have no answers, why this didn't work... he is looking for someone to blame b/c (as you said) nothing ever went wrong in his life.
Don't feel you are jinxed. I believe if you feel so much grief and are exposed to such loss it's b/c you are a generous, empathetic, outgoing person who lives fully in the world.
You have had amazing experiences and friends and you have the courage to take chances: therefore you are highly vulnerable to failure and loss and it will hit you more b/c you truly care; you are a beautiful person with a deep love for others.
If nothing bad every happened to T before you came along then my guess is he lived a rather sheltered life, took the known road, and didn't get too invested in difficult situations or too many people.
Sorry I'm harshing on him -- it's very unfair and uncivilized of me -- but you deserve a lot of credit for doing what you have done and a lot of sympathy for facing a truly gut wrenching time right now.
Big BIG hug from afar. I can't even say how sorry and sad I am right now for you. Thank god for those cats!!!!! they will help you make it through this, I know!
Btw, I'm glad you have the day off from work.
I worried and worried about you and Tarzan last night so I'm glad to see he's coming around. We all process grief differently (when I got my news Friday I desperately wanted my husband home but I didn't necessarily want him in the same room with me and I really wasn't ready to discuss anything with him). I hope you get some answers from your doctor; your results do seem strange given the circumstances.
Still thinking of you and sending lots of love your way today...
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