To tell or not to tell:
We haven't even gotten pregnant yet with DE, but I've told a lot of people that we will be doing a DE IVF cycle. I've told my mom, sister, mother-in-law, and 1 sister-in-law, in addition to several close girlfriends. I haven't told any of my neighbors and I do regularly hang out with a few of the neighborhood ladies. I have always had a very open book personality, and it has caused problems for me in the past; mainly at work when I was too open about my personal life. My husband doesn't know that I told his mom. He knows I've spoken to her in the past about IVF and he knows she asks me all the time how things are going with the doctor. I just haven't told Tony that his mom now knows about the DE. In fact she is very supportive, she just wants more grandkids! All of the friends I've told have been very supportive, they've known about our infertility struggle all along the way.
Tony and I haven't sat down and had a conversation about who we will tell (should we actually have a baby) and who we won't. At some point in the near future we will need to have that conversation.
I am fine with his family knowing, but I know Tony is worried about the extended family knowing as well as the entire gossipy, Italian community. Tony's family is very involved in the Italian community here in Michigan, and Ohio, and New York. They have family and fellow Pacentranos (people from Pacentro, Italy) all over the place. One thing I've learned is that all the old ladies (and younger ones too) are very gossipy. Everyone knows everything about everybody. That being said, I really don't want to be fodder for conversation among the gossip circle. I can imagine they would find DE to be extremely scandalous and all the more reason to complain that Tony didn't find some young, Italian girl to marry instead of that older, American woman (me).
Now my family on the other hand, will be totally supportive, would not gossip and really wouldn't care how a child came into my life. I have several cousins who have had infertility issues and have adopted, and others who have chosen to live child free. I don't mind if all of my cousins, aunts, uncles know about our DE. To me it's like doing a "half-adoption".
In regards to how/when to tell a child. Fellow bloggers have recommended some great books that I will pick up if we get pregnant. The social worker Tony and I saw a few weeks ago also gave us a stack of articles, book recommendations, and internet communities as resources. I think when the time comes we'll have a lot of tools to assist us in telling our child(ren).
My mock cycle is going well, not too hard so far. I've been on birth control pills since Saturday, and I'll start Lupron late next week for 10 days, and then after that I'll be on estrace for 7 days. I'll need to go in for a few ultrasounds along the way to measure my lining. Then I don't know if they'll just keep me on the BC pills for a couple months until we get our donor, or I'll stop them and then start again once we get the donor. Time will tell!
12 comments:
Hard to escape the gossip.
Thanks for sharing. I wondered about how your Mr. Tony was doing, because the guy's done a 180 in a few months....from wanting to only try naturally to moving ahead with IVF and DE. Gotta give it to him!
Thanks for sharing all of this, Kelly. I like the ins and outs of it all, especially feelings and motivations.
I'm glad things are going well with the mock cycle and I hope things go well with the telling of people about the DE, whoever you choose to tell. That would be a very difficult choice to make. But I'm glad things are moving right along :-)
I'm so glad the mock cycle is going well! I'm sure it's nice to feel like you're making progress instead of just sitting around waiting for a donor! I hope one comes quick for you though!
I can imagine how tough it is to decide who to tell. I would hate to think of people gossiping about me. But I think considering the struggle you've gone through to get to this point, people who are true friends, would e genuinely happy for you and respect your wishes to keep it private. But I agree that I wouldn't feel the need to share it with a bunch of people that would just gossip about it!
You sound like me - sometimes I share what Al think is too much (we do have blogs, so I suppose that makes sense). When I met up with Mel from Indyness last week, Al was all freaked out that I was telling people our "business." Never mind that I was telling another IFer...
I think it makes sense to tell personally - I think a child has a right to know and then how could you not be fairly open about it? It would be like telling the kid they were somehow shameful.
On the other hand...
I totally understand the desire not to be gossip fodder for that kind of big old Italian family though! In laws are hard enough.
You should talk to Tony about who you are telling though - you don't want his mom to blindside him.
I'm glad your mock cycle is going well.
It's a tough call, but I would try to stay away from telling the gossiping part of the family. This isn't something for people to gossip about, especially if they're going to criticize you.
Glad you're thinking about all of this, because it is important. We really limited who we told about DE because we felt it was our children's story to tell, and we didn't want other people asking them questions or making comments to them about it down the road. In the end, I think we only told my mom, Scott's mom, a cousin who is going through DE, one of my BFF's who is struggling with IF at 39, and a couple other very close friends. It hasn't come up since...
We aren't so much keeping it a secret as much as we are not going on a PR campaign. I just didn't want to be in a position where I was lying to anybody close to us, or withholding information that might be helpful (as in the case of my GF who's struggling with IF.) I knew we'd eventually get the "She looks just like you!!!" comments, and while with most people I'm comfortable with saying, "Thank you" I didn't want to lie to my mom, or my sister, or other people that I thought might be hurt if I kept such a thing from them.
Most of the people that we've told really seem to not care at all...and are entirely supportive.
It's good to think through all this stuff. If you ever want to chat about it, you know how to reach me! :)
Hey Kelly- I use to have your email, but can't find it. Do you want to meet when you're up north. Where will you be on Lake MI? We're between Traverse and Charlevoix. When we're down state we'll be mostly in Brighton (where Cole's parents now live) but we may be in R.O. or B'ham visiting family on a night or two.
Email me: confer2@verizon.net
Very exciting. I have told a lot of people about IVF, and I've wondered at times whether it is wise. I'm not concerned about them knowing about our IF issues as much as I'm concerned that they might question why I did IVF only 2-3 months before starting my new job. (If anyone ever asked, I would tell them: "I was trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for a long time before that, so it didn't happen exactly at the perfect time, but I'm just glad that it finally happened.")
As for DE, I would definitely be concerned about telling anyone if you weren't planning on telling the kid(s) someday, but it sounds like you are going to anyway.
I think the gossip part would really annoy me, too. I wish that people could try to be a bit more empathetic toward others sometimes. Argh!
The gossip is pretty hard. Living in Italy and in a VERY small town for 9 years, I sure know.
But in some ways I eventually found it very liberating in the sense that there weren't any secrets. Everyone was exposed and vulnerable and you were still accepted (thought watch out if you turned your back :)
I grew up with having to keep a huge secret from everyone and I hated it. My mom was concerned people would talk (dad was MIA and an alky) so I felt ashamed and isolated. I was so glad to find a culture (college/work/then Italy) in which I could talk about my past and not feel any shame.
This best describes Italian people: they do not make you feel ashamed. They may play up the shock or scorn for dramatic effects to make their day more exciting, but they have heard it, seen it, and done it all.
No one expects you to keep anything a secret and better you tell them first-hand so they don't get the wrong version after hearing it 3rd hand from the deaf Nonna.
The important thing here is that your husband feels comfortable with it all. Italians hate their business all over the place, but it's kind of a given anyway in that culture. I say better you set the record straight being up front than risk having some weird story circulating by Christmas.
Good luck with the cycle!! I hope it goes well!
that's really difficult and i've struggled with the same issue. i told my MIL things thinking it would finally shut her up and prevent her from asking further personal questions. it backfired and only made matters worse. i think it's healthy to talk about all these things with the people closest to you. now that we are finally pregnant, i can't help telling everyone how i struggled with infertility. it's like i feel the need to educate everyone i meet about the pain and struggle. i can't shut up.
Can definitely relate to your feelings of not wanting to be gossiped about. It sounds like you have told those that needed to know, but I'd hold off on telling others. I agree with Io on discussing it with Tony so that he isn't blindsided. I also really like how Tracy handled things.
Hi Kelly,
My husband and I limited who we told about our DE to our families and close friends. OK, this really was a pretty big group of people (we both have large families and most of our friends had been on the infertility journey with us for over 6 years) but limited nontheless. I know you saw my post on the other blog so you know we did this not because we were uncomfortable telling people (you really will be surprised at how not a big deal this is for most people and how supportive they will be) but because we feel ultimatly it is our son's truth to tell. We also told our families and close friends because we don't believe in secrets - secrets always come out one way or another and we didn't want our son to think there is something to hide or 'wrong' with how he came to be. That said, gossip is another matter all together! If family members are going to use this information for their own entertainment or to sit in judge of your decision then they simply do not deserve to know. It's not fair to you and your husband but more importantly it's not fair to your child(ren) to be.
M
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