Thank God for my girlfriends

I ended up taking a mental health yesterday. Eventually the tears started coming in the morning and they wouldn't stop. Even though I work at home, there was no way I could be on conference calls. I sent a note to my boss telling her that I needed the day off because I was going through some difficult issues and I couldn't stop crying. She was very understanding and told me that if I need to talk she is there for me.

I called my therapist and made an appt. I haven't seen her in about 2 years, but I've been going to her on and off for the past 9 years. She helped me through all my old boyfriend struggles and childhood issues, etc. I actually consider her my spiritual advisor now because she is a very strong Catholic Christian and my faith always grows when I see her....she gives me so much to think about. I see her next Thursday, it's not soon enough.

I cleaned the entire house yesterday to burn off some steam - even cleaned my messy closet and got a bag ready for good will. In the afternoon I went to my friend Anne's house, she left me a key and I laid on her couch and watched TV, petted her cats, and enjoyed some time away from my house. Then my friend Marien called, I work with Marien (she is based in Texas) and she tracked me down via the Corporate Operator. I took her call and explained everything to her. I told her that I planned to stay the night at Anne's house and not go home until the morning. Marien, being the wonderful friend and advice giver that she is, convinced me to go home. I waited until Anne got home from work and we talked and had a glass of wine. Then I went home at about 7:30, hubby was on the couch watching TV. He didn't say anything to me and I didn't to him, so I went to bed. I was exhausted, so I was asleep by 8:30.

Eventually I realized that he had come to bed. I woke up at 1:00 am unable to sleep so I got up and surfed the web for an hour or so. I went back to bed and continued to toss and turn. Eventually he touched my hand. He told me he had read everything I had left for him on the table (summary of doctor visit, success rate charts from the doctor, and a 7 page article on the stress of infertility on marriages with a dozen paragraphs highlighted.). I was happy that he read everything. He said he is just nervous about trying all of these medicated, advanced technologies when we haven't tried the other stuff (meaning unmedicated IUIs). I explained to him that we are dealing with a very finite window of opportunity with my age and that he needs to understand that risk. We can try a couple of unmedicated cycles, but that there is a risk that we run out of time and I run out of eggs by the time he agrees to do the medicated cycles. He asked if the doctor knew how long the window was. I said no, but Dr. M is going to test my FSH level again next cycle so that would give us an idea. My last FSH was 7.9 back in June. I also jokingly asked my husband if he was going to divorce me, because if so I was going to go find a donor and have a baby on my own. He said no. ha ha. We didn't talk any more and we eventually fell back asleep and he left for work at 6am, but I slept in until 8:20. I feel a lot better and I know we'll talk some more tonight and make up completely!

Oh and a big thank you to all of my girlfriends in blogland. I very much appreciate your comments from yesterday. Yes my husband does want a baby, he wants several, but his conservatism gets the best of him sometimes.