I am so very sad, and I have been since Monday when I found out. Two people whom I love dearly are getting divorced. Although it is not a total surprise, it has still hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been crying for the past 48 hours, I can't sleep, have a constant headache and my heart is broken for them and their teenage children. I won't say whether they are friends or family to keep it somewhat private, but I absolutely detest divorce!!! As usual there is one person who wants to fight for the marriage and one who does not. I have tried for months on end to get them to go to the Retrouvaille program, but the wife refused to go. How do you not try to fix your marriage with professional help when you have children? Why is someone so selfish that they just assume that professional help won't make a difference? The kids are actually doing okay....they've been expecting it. That in itself makes me sick that in our society today, kids are "ok" with their parents' divorcing. What does that say about the family unit in our country?
I've seen people on the brink of separation, helped by the Retrouvaille program. I've seen others divorce without even trying. It just breaks my heart. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the world who still believes that marriage is forever, it's a covenant, it's sacred. Don't tell me I don't understand because I've only been married for less than 2 years. I've been around the block - in several long-term relationships, and I know what it takes to be married. I've seen happy marriages and miserable ones. I've counseled other friends through rough patches and unfortunately divorces. Perhaps I have the benefit of age and therefore I made a wise choice in a spouse. However I still think that this marriage in particular could have been saved and I am filled with extreme sadness that it apparently has not.
I think also this is bringing back all the pain that I went through when my parents' separated and later divorced. I was 14 years old when they separated and 20 when they divorced, and it greatly impacted my life. It affected my relationships with men, my ability to trust, my self-esteem, etc. I don't think I got over it until I was in my early 30s and based on how devastated I've felt in the past two days over someone else's divorce, it appears that even though I'm almost 40 years old, the pain of my parent's divorce can still bubble up. For those people out there who say kids are "just fine" when parents divorce, they are full of shit!
I haven't commented much on blogs this week. Hopefully I will sleep tonight and pull myself out of this sadness.
9 comments:
I hope you feel happier soon. Divorce affects more than just the couple going through it that is for sure. Keep your head up.
I'm really sorry about the divorce of the people you are talking about. Divorce affects everyone, not just the husband and wife. I couldn't agree more with the fact that people sometimes don't seem to fight enough to make things work (counseling, etc.) I hope you are feeling better soon, and that this weekend is better than the last few days. Hugs
It does rock my world when people I know or like get divorced. And you are right, the kids are never ok. That's just delusion and selfishness talking.
That kind of thing does not grow overnight. It creeps up for years. Just reminds me to take care of my marriage daily.
I'm sorry you're feeling so sad.
My parents divorced when I was 4 and they carried on sniping at each other until my father died nearly 5 years ago. It made me a different person.
We have friends splitting up now - 3 different couples - and it makes me very sad.
All we can do is take care of our own marriages.
Hope you're feeling better soon xx
Oh, that stinks - I'm so sorry your friends(?) are getting divorced. It really does affect so many people. ::hugs::
I'm so sorry...for you and for the divorcing couples.
My parents divorced when I was very young, remarried, and were divorced again. My husband went through the same thing.
For US, we are with you on the whole divorce is not an option thing, in spite of some rocky roads along the way (what married couple doesn't have them?)
On the other hand, after seeing my parents and several friends and family divorce over the years, I've begrudgingly resigned myself to the fact that sometimes it just doesn't work out for whatever reason, and we never can fully know what's going on from the outside. And it's very unfortunate. And sad.
I agree with you completely. So sorry your friends are letting this happen. It is so very hard to watch.
I agree that it's hard to watch people close to you divorce. However, you truly cannot know what has transpired inside someone else's marriage. I've known relationships of people close to me which appeared great on the surface which were hell in reality, which came as a complete surprise to even the people closest to them. I know of several relationships where those closest to the parties knew nothing of one party's drug use, mental and physical abuse, and/or infidelity. You may "believe" their marriage can be saved, but you also may know nothing of what really goes on there. Don't think that because you are close to them, you really know what their relationship is like. No one knows but them.
The flip side of divorce's negative impact on children is also the ugly side of staying together. Consider that there are many, many children who are badly scarred and have their relationships with the opposite sex badly damaged based on what they saw at home after their parents chose to stay together "for the kids". I know of a man close to me that cannot have a decent relationship with a woman after growing up in a home where one spouse cheated repeatedly (and had no idea he knew anything about it, since he was just a child). On the surface, his parents seemed close as a couple, but that wasn't the reality. It's hard to hide that stuff. I know others who have grown up in homes where the parents clearly had a strained relationship, and/or were not true life partners. You can't fake it for the kids, and you can't always make things better between a couple. That can have a very negative impact on a child's ability to have positive relationships later on.
There are some things that people cannot repair. What if the wife won't consider counseling because the husband cheated on her, and she knows in her heart she can't ever come back from that? Consider that the people in your life may have much more going on than you know about, and the divorce may actually be a relief to their children, because in some respects, it means an end to the chaos and uncertainty.
At the end of the day, this is THEIR relationship, and it's not up to you to judge whether it is the right choice. It's up to you to love and support them despite their choices and whether you agree with them, because that's what true friends and family do.
Thanks Anon. I understand a lot of what you said, but believe it or not I know a lot more about this marriage than I'm writing on the blog. There was no cheating, and I know exactly what happened in this marriage. Yes it was very serious, and yes most marriages would not have survived what happened. However, I still had hope and I don't believe that was a bad thing. This isn't a friend of mine....it's a very close family member and I'm not talking a cousin. Yes your are correct, it is THEIR marriage and I accept that. However, it doesn't mean that I don't have the right to be sad for a few days about the dissolution of yet another American family and one that I love dearly. I also was honest in my post that a lot of my sadness was the fact that this triggered feelings from my own childhood/adulthood....that I went through when my parents divorced. I've lived through this, so although you may think I'm just being judgemental to be mean, that is not the case at all. I was scarred very deeply from my parent's divorce and I am saddened to know that 3 children whom I love, and am closely related to, are going to have to go through the same thing. Yes you are correct, maybe they will be better off with divorced parents rather than witness the arguments, chaos, etc. I pray to God that they don't go through what I went through. Maybe because divorce is so common these days and it's really not a big deal to most people anymore, they will be just fine. I really hope so.
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