For once I wish I was wrong, but unfortunately I'm not. I poas'd this morning on what would've been beta day and that pee stick was as white as freshly fallen snow. Not even the tiniest hint of another line. Therefore it's official, I will never have my own biological child. I just need to say it, let the anger out, and move on. However since I'm in a hotel room in a little town called Webster, NY, I can't exactly let my anger out loudly. That will have to wait until Friday when I get home. All the prayers in the world haven't done a thing. I know God loves me but apparently He isn't interested in a little Kelly and Tony genetically engineered baby. In a way it's good that I'm out here because during the day I have to be all professional and go to work, but it gets my mind off of it for at least 8-9 hours a day. Plus my husband is in Mexico, and has been for a week and a half, so I'd be home all alone. If he calls me tonight I will tell him because I want him to get over the initial shock so that when he comes home we can just hug each other and then get naked. That's the only reason I'm going to take the PIOs for the next 3 nights - so I can delay my period and have sex with my husband since it's been like forever! Sorry ladies if that is TMI.
When I go in for my beta on Saturday I will schedule the follow up appt. with Dr. M so we can talk about the donor egg process. I know it will take a long time for my husband to think about it, so I want to at least get the seeds planted as soon as possible. My requests for the donor - tall (over 5'6"), small boned, dark hair, speaks a foreign language, college educated. Since my husband is the math, engineer person of the family, I want the donor to have a brain like me - with language arts strengths. We'll see.
I've been thinking about all the things I have to look forward to now that I'm not pregnant:
Real coffee
Wine
Sex
Power yoga
Running
As much cake and cookies as I want
Maybe a trip to Italy this summer or fall
I appreciate all of the lovely and supportive comments you left me on Monday. You gals are the best. It may come across like I am being all strong and handling this so well, believe me I am heartbroken, but there are much worse things in life that could happen. I have my health and my husband, family, fabulous friends, and my 3 kitties. I don't take any of that for granted after losing so many friends in their 30s to cancer. I can't have my own genetic child - oh well! I'll get over it.
I know I am really behind on commenting on your blogs too - I'll try to catch up this week.
14 comments:
You're right, it can always be worse. Grieve your loss though....I know it hurts.
Oh girl...I am so sorry. Is there any hope that the HPT could be negative and you could still get a + beta by lab on the weekend? Your attititude is awesome, but I understand that deep down you are hurting. I can't believe how well you're handling this, and with your hubby so far away. I would be an absolute mess. It's great you are so open to so many options, your husband will be too I'm sure, even if it takes awhile. In the meantime...I hope you get some good nooky out of the deal..you deserve something great! And no, that wasn't too much info...I'm always here to listen (the good, the bad, and the "other" :-)
Hugs
You are a brave person. So strong, I admire you immensely. I dont doubt that you feel grief, but I can tell its a positive grief that time will heal and you will move on. There is no hurry to move on, just knowledge that you will. Stay strong Girlfriend. MIGHTY HUGS to YOU!
To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did' When God takes something from your grasp,He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to
receive something different and better.
Concentrate on this sentence.... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'
Found this in my email, thought I would pass it on in hopes of sending some comfort your way. ~H
I'm so sorry about your news. It sucks. I do so hope your beta has better news, however.
You will love to the utmost no matter how he or she comes into your life, that I can tell you for certain. They are amazing.
That so reminds me of something I heard about one of the "benefits" of being infertile "At least you can have all the sex you want without getting prego." yeah, thanks. But anyway.
I am so sad for you and Mr. A. and PB&J...
The best advice a fellow infertile gave me was exactly that: live large and do everything you'd never be able to do with kids, splurge and spend money you would have been spending on diapers on yourself. It gave me some happy memories during a really bad time.
You are an inspiration with your great attitude. When I had a friend come down with cancer in her 30s, unfortunately instead of thinking "OMG I'm so lucky," I kept thinking "Holy S. I have to have a baby before I get breast cancer, too." Not very noble thoughts...
I'm sorry it didn't work. Let yourself have time to be sad about it...but you do sound like you're handling it well. And thinking about all the blessings you do have in your life is a great thing to do. This negative definitely doesn't mean you won't be wonderful parents to wonderful children one day.
Oh Kelly, I'm so unbelievably hurting for you. Your attitude is amazing, but you're still feeling the pain, so give yourself tons of time to grieve.
Life throws us so many loops that it's hard to keep our heads straight, but you're so right, you are blessed in so many ways and have a wonderful life.
Just know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you.
BIG XOXO's
Oh Kelly...even though things could be worse, it's okay to be pissed off and sad. I'm so sorry...
If you have any questions along the way, you know how to get a hold of me.
I'd consider adding one requirement for your donor - proven. You don't need any more heartbreak.
I'm sorry Kelly. I wish it were otherwise.
I am so sorry about the BFN. I wish I could say or do something to make this pain more tolerable. Darn it!
Oh, I am so sorry to read this. It's a possibility that I haven't even let myself think about yet. Good for you for being able to see a bright side. I do admire that.
I really hope that you and your husband will figure out a plan of action that helps your family grow, one way or another.
Hugs!!
I'm so sorry. You are amazing, I wish I was as strong as you! Your outlook on the situation is great. I hope it gets easier for you from here on out. Enjoy the real sex, not the babymaking kind!!!
oh darn...I'm so sorry girl. I wish I knew what to say to help. I'll be praying for you. God can provide comfort where nothing else can. I can relate to your "give up" state of mind. In Aug, K and I have been trying for 5 years. I am there myself...but then something happens to give me hope again. I hope that you find your way back there soon. We were told donor eggs were our only option too...I think that really took it's tole on me. I feel broken. Anyway, enough about me. i just wanted you to know that someone out there in www land knows exactly how you feel...
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