I'm back at my hotel early today. Apparently one of the employees died yesterday (suddenly, a young guy) so management is dealing with that. Therefore a couple of my meetings got canceled. Since I don't have access to my email at the client facility I came back to my hotel to work. A very sad situation for the young man and his family.
I am definitely not pregnant! Even the PIO shots cannot keep my period away - things started flowing big time this morning so I'm not going to even bother giving myself the shots for 2 more nights. I'd rather get the period over and done with. I talked to my husband last night but he doesn't want to accept that this cycle is over until Saturday. He told me not to test anymore, that the spotting could be normal. Poor guy is not facing reality, but at least he will be prepared for this weekend. I think he'll handle it okay. I told him I was already thinking about next steps and he said we would talk about it all on Saturday.
I want to explain to my readers why I am giving up on my own eggs and ready to move onto donor eggs. First of all I will be 40 years old in 4 months. I've proven to be a very poor responder to the IVF meds - I simply don't produce enough eggs (that means there are very few left in my ovaries). We also have male factor infertility - my husband has very poor morphology and a low sperm count. Therefore even if I were 25 years old with superb eggs the only way we can get pregnant (barring a miracle) is through IVF. Spending time and money on IUIs or time on intercourse isn't going to bring us a baby. I'm not willing to spend another $15k-$30k on another 1 or 2 IVF cycles with my own eggs. I'd rather spend $20k on a donor cycle and hopefully get a baby out of it - maybe even twins. If we only get 1 baby, hopefully we'll have some embryos to freeze for baby #2. I want more than one child, so even if I did another IVF cycle with my own eggs and got 1 baby out of the deal, a year or two after that I'd want a sibling for the baby, so then I'd have to do a donor cycle anyway because I'd be 42 or 43 years old.
Years ago I dated a widower with 2 small children, ages 4 and 6. I loved those children as if they were my own and I knew I could love them and raise them. The relationship didn't work out, but I had a harder time letting go of the children, than letting go of the guy. That taught me that I could love and raise a child who wasn't mine biologically. For me donor eggs feels right. Adoption on the other hand doesn't feel as good - simply because I don't want to fill out the gobs of paperwork and have people judge my house, etc. Just wanted to explain to you gals. Thanks for all of your support. Oh and by the way, the internet connection at my hotel sucks so right now I'm only able to read your blogs in Google Reader - I can't get on them to comment. I'll get on your sites this weekend, I promise!!
I thought of some more things to look forward to now that I'm not pregnant:
Hot baths
Bikini Laser
Getting myself in shape so I can fit into a bikini this summer!
**UPDATED**: I also wanted to add that I did not get married for the fist and only time until I was 38. I get bothered by how the media "complains" about women "choosing" to delay motherhood due to their careers, etc. I didn't "choose" to delay motherhood, I just chose not to have a child out of wedlock with all of the other guys I dated. I simply didn't meet the love of my life until I was in my late 30s. Believe me, I wish we had met in my early 30s, but we didn't. I don't believe that I should have to give up my dreams to be a mother just because I didn't get married until later in life. It pisses me off when the media implies that I don't deserve to be a mother because I'm older.
13 comments:
Im so sorry--and Im sorry to hear about the employee's passing-so sad!
Mook does not let me give up until I hear from the nurse on the official beta--its hard to hang onto hope when we KNOW what our bodies are doing...
Hoping you can enjoy lots of these things you have planned for the summer, and that a plan starts to form for the next steps.
No need to explain anything to me. I support you either way. I think moving on to donor eggs is an excellent idea and I hope it works first time for you and your DH.
I totally understand on every single count...
You know my have my undying support. Let me know if you ever need anything.
xoxo
Oh Kelly, I'm so sorry to hear about the negative. It stinks that you are away from your husband.
I'm glad that you feel confident in your ability to move forward with DE - you're going to be a great mother.
Just catching up on your blog. I am so sorry to hear your IVF did not take. Sounds like moving to donor eggs is the right choice for you. I look forward to reading about you success with them. I just know you are going to have a happy ending to this all! Best Wishes!
I'm sorry Kelly...but once again there's that extremely admirable positive attitude. I understand completly why you want to do the DE. I too, am in a very similar situation (DH has extreme MF issues). My gut tells me the IVF route won't work, (I'll be 38 in June) we are contemplating donor sperm. It's been very hard for DH but I'm like you and don't think I have the personality to go through all the adoption paperwork, waiting and "inspections". My god-daughter (who I just adore) is adopted so I was surprised that I'm not going that route. Her Mom went through quite the 3.5 year process in getting her. She told me twice she truly almost said the heck with it. You are going to be the best mom! I read your blog daily b/c I get myself in such a pit at times and you truly are an inspiration. BTW...absolutely LOVE the things to look forward to now list....I agree! :) I hope you and DH have a wonderful,relaxing weekend. Nice bath, some wine...:)
Ruthie
I think your explanation makes a LOT of sense. I hope that your husband comes around quickly to your point of view.
I know what you mean about timing. I feel lucky to have met S when I did, but a little earlier would have been nice. Mostly because I think I was pretty lonely in my late 20s, and it's kinda sad to think back on that time.
I still have a lot of friends who are my age (32-33) and who are still single, not even dating someone promising at the moment. I am still hoping that they will meet someone and have kids because I know they want it, and they will be really good moms!
As for me, when I was single I was planning to have a child by myself (via a friend or donor sperm) at age 35 if I was still single. I think I would have been OK, but having S in my life is so wonderful and I can't really imagine doing it all alone. The media really can be unfair to older moms.
I support your decisions no matter what they are...no explanations needed for this girl here! But aside from all that, you do make perfect sense as well. Love comes at different times in a person's life, I'm glad yours came...even if it was in your late 30s :-) I'll be keeping the good thoughts coming for you..and a safe trip home.
I'm sorry. I too have had the whole period before my beta with an IVF and it's a horrible experience. I think the donor egg thing sounds like a good idea too. Good luck.
I was so sorry to read that this cycle didn't work out. I had high hopes for you too.
I'm 40, and didn't get married for the first time until 37, so I totally get your frustration with the judgments about delayed motherhood. It just isn't fair!
Only you can say what your next steps should be. You will know in your heart what is right for you, and that is the path you must take.
I also worried about the extent and intrusiveness of adoption paperwork. I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised by how easy it really was. We picked our agency in December. Started paperwork in January. It took 3 weeks to complete and compile everything (we weren't exactly working at breakneck speed!). Our homestudy visits were a complete breeze! It took a couple of weeks for our agency to prepare our homestudy document and then it was submitted to the court for a judges signature. That happened on March 7th. And now we wait. And I have never felt such peace before.
Wishing you peace.
Oh Sweetheart,
I'm not sure how i missed your news until today. I'm SO SO sorry and disappointed for you. I thought this might be the one.
Mr G always made me test on the proper date even if I was gushing with AF. (Sorry tmi) I never got to poas as i always came on before the test date. It sucks, but i sort of felt it saved me from another disappointment - of seeing no line.
I totally get what you were saying about DE. I was getting to the same point. Our severe MF issues mean we're only ever going to conceive via IVF. With my rubbish old eggs and his crappy sperm were giving us pretty low odds. It obviously works on a few occasions, but hold old (and poor) do we have to get waiting for that occasion.
I was ready to move to DE but Mr G wasn't. It was a massive issue for us. He would rather adopt than do DE. It was a real deal breaker.
A friend of a friend did DE for her first child. When she went back to try for no2, the clinic said she could try her own eggs as her body might now be used to it. She preferred to do DE again as she knew it was more likely to work.
Sorry for so much stuff -so here's my last comment. I only met Mr G when i was 35, we married when i was 37 and had started trying 6 months before that. Before that i wasn't in a place to try for a baby. It's not our fault that we get to that position.
A huge hug to you - enjoy that list of post treatment luxuries. I also included ice cream (banned by acupunturist) and strong, blue cheese...yummmm...xxx
I am with you 110%! You are making good sound decisions and what's right for you might not be right for someone else. I applaud your positive outlook.
Hugs,
Hollie
Found your blog through Chris'...
I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work out. I think donor eggs is a GREAT idea. If we had been willing to spend the money for IVF I would have thrown donor eggs in there to ensure higher quality, but we chose the adoption route b/c it had a little higher guarantee. I'm praying that if you choose donor eggs that your first try will be the magical one!!!
Just to reiterate (sp?) what Chris said...the thought of adoption is far more daunting than the actual paperwork. Yes, it's very invasive, but the vists were a breeze. We started our home study in Feb and we finished in April. We're completing our applications, and we're hoping to be waiting by June. So if you choose that route, it's not as bad as it seems. But I was just like you and thought it would be WAY difficult. It's a little time consuming, but you can go at your own pace. It's not so bad, really it's not.
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