My long-time readers may remember the post that I wrote about divorce several months ago. I'm not going to link to it because I was very sad, angry, and upset. Well I'll tell you that it is my sister and brother-in-law getting divorced. I've accepted that that the divorce is happening and I am focusing on supporting my sister and her three children - ages 12, 14, 16. They've been separated for a few months and the divorce was filed maybe 3 or 4 months ago as well. There were no third parties that caused the breakdown in the marriage. However as soon as they made the decision in mid summer to divorce, my BIL started dating. Apparently he's met the love of his life and they've been dating a few months. However the divorce is many months away from being finalized due to a lot of complex issues involving the lawyers. My BIL has already introduced said girlfriend to his son, which my sister went ballistic about. I have to say that I don't blame her. Apparently my sis and BIL made an agreement this summer that if they started dating other people they would not introduce them to the kids until they got through the divorce, and only if the relationships became serious. They both agreed as parents to put the kids first. Well now my BIL is so in love he has decided to throw that agreement out the window. He's already told the kids about his girlfriend and he told my sister that he wants to introduce her to them. Can you see my eyes rolling and my heart rate rising?
My sis and I both know exactly why. He gets the kids at Christmas for a week, and this girlfriend is get this - a Catholic School Teacher. Anyway so since Ms. Catholic School Teacher (who is dating a separated, but still married man) will get time off at Christmas, I guarantee that my BIL and her want to take the kids on vacation for a week. My sister has tried to get my BIL to wait until after the holidays, to let the kids get through this first holiday season with having separated parents. However, he's not listening. I've been staying out of this divorce, but I am going to try to talk to my BIL when he gets back from Mexico next week. It will probably do no good, but I've always had a good relationship with my BIL so I'm hoping I can at least get my point across in a nice way.
I know what it is like to be a child of divorce and it sucks beyond belief. I am very thankful that my mother chose to put us kids first always! I have also seen countless other friends, co-workers, etc. go through divorce and not put their kids first. They are always worried about dating, and I've seen many with a revolving door of people who meet their kids, then disappear when the relationships don't work out. It makes me so angry that I could punch them all! Yes I know I am very judgmental, but it's because I've seen the pain caused by idiotic decisions time and time again.
What is the hurry with my BIL? Why can't he give these kids a bit more time before he is freaking trying to create the perfect step family? I guarantee he is probably going to marry this chick the day after the divorce is final, and well you can all guess what I think the chance of them having a successful marriage is if they rush into it - especially a second marriage. It's a good thing he is out of town this week because it will give me time to calm down and carefully choose my words. However my question to all of you bloggers out there - am I just old fashioned and this is how it's done these days? Are kids just so used to divorce because all of their friends' parents are divorced too and they are used to parental girlfriends/boyfriends?
I know I need to pray, but for my praying friends out there, I'm also asking for your prayers. Please pray for me, my nieces and nephew, my sister and my BIL and his Catholic school teacher girlfriend. She may be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but if she is so Catholic, then wouldn't you think she'd be a little smarter in her decision making?
8 comments:
That sucks and being a child of divorce is horrible. We met my step-mother on Christmas day (apartment full of presents...lalala...shiny, shiny, shiny) and they got married on 12/30...5 days later. My Mom didn't know about it (I think she knew they were dating), so when we came home and told her that they got married, she was devastated. Kids never get over this kind of stuff...I read a book called "Adult Children of Divorce" or something like that and it taught me a lot about my own relationships...interesting. Good luck talking to him...he probably won't be able to see past his swollen heart (full of love...lalala).
I can't believe i am going to say this, because i am so nosy and would probably not be able to do this, but... i think you should stay out of it. I know it's your sister and you have been close to him in the past, but seriously do you think he will even listen? Sounds like he is in "lust" and enjoying all that lust and thinking with the wrong head. You seem really upset by this and i would be too in your shoes, but it is his life. maybe spends some time with the kids and your sister and just let him live his life and i too agree, he'll probably end up regretting this.
I know a ton of couples, family members really, in the same situations. The husband goes out gets himself a new grilfriend, has all this amazing nex sex and forgets about the soon to be ex wife and kids. I have butted in before and it did no good, trust me on this one (even though you don't know me), you'll feel better if you just dont' talk to him about this.
ps. if you do talk to him let us know how it goes, i hope he listens, i really, really do.
Thanks Becky, I know what you are saying, and the good thing is that I have a few days to think about it before I decide what to do. I'll take your advice into consideration.
I don't give a hoot about his life, it's the kids that I want to protect. I know he may not engage me in a conversation, but if I at least send an email - and be as nice as possible, not at all bitchy and sarcastic like I am now....well maybe just maybe my words will jump into his head in a dream or something. This is just so unlike him, he used to be father-of-the year type. However I've seen it before, when some people go through a divorce they invent a new personality to cope. I would do anything to support and protect my nieces and nephew. I know it's impossible and they have been, and will be affected by their parents' divorce. However they will be a lot worse off with stupid parental decisions.
If he wants to have a girlfriend, that's fine. But regardless of how much he feels for this woman, he needs to think of his children first. This will be their first xmas with "divorced" parents and he needs to focus ALL his energy on them.
The shitty thing? He won't get it. If anyone tries to explain, he'll just be defensive.
My heart is with the situation.
He's selfish. No other word to describe him. And he'll never see it that way.
Your sis and your family are just going to have to be the source of stability for the children. Some things they can't be protected from and seeing what an ass their dad is is just one of them. Hopefully they'll have enough support and other role models to get the picture about life, love, relationships as they grow up.
I'm disturbed that he seems to be putting this relationship ahead of his children. Is this typical for him? It's going to be difficult--if not impossible--to get him to see it this way because he clearly has a plan and is "blinded" by the newness of it all. The children, however, need TIME. I'm just preaching to the choir here, I know.
For what it's worth, I think talking to him is a good idea if you're calm and maybe you could even suggest a book or two he could read (not that I know of any but I'm sure they exist). I will be praying for all of you.
I'm so sorry that it's definite.
He's definitely not thinking with the right head - his children and their emotional well-being should be more important than him than this other woman. I think maybe an introduction would be one thing - to take the kids for vacation? I think it sounds like it's too soon.
I think if you talk to him you need to be very careful to do it without sounding upset or critical.
Your poor niece and nephew. Like everyone has already said he ain't going to listen. Maybe if you make it all about the kids and how this will be hard for them.
Why not pretend to be on his side? Ask him all about "her". Get the "story" Say how happy you are that he had found happiness so quickly. Gain his trust then gently try to get him to wait a few months before going full force with the new wife. If you sweeten him up he may listen more. I know, "gag"! But in dealing with unreasonable people you can't use reason. You have to trick them.
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