The Story

I am still seething with anger, but I will try to get this down on paper so you can all help me craft my response to "R". First of all I knew something was up last Monday when she didn’t respond to my text. Then she didn’t respond to my text on Tuesday or my email on Wednesday. I knew it was just a matter of time before we got some type of communication from her with some concerns.  However I was not expecting the email content she actually sent.

Tarzan has already responded to her in a very matter of fact, friendly, unemotional way. He doesn’t want me to write to her at all, he wants me to just delete her from Facebook and forget she ever existed. I just talked to him 5 minutes ago and he says he has already forgotten about her. Those of you, who know me well, know that I cannot do that.  However I’m smart enough to know that I cannot write to her now. I think several more days will need to go by before my anger level will subside enough that I can send her an email that may actually help her grow and learn from this experience.  I think people come into your life for a reason, and I think we came into her life for a reason very different from what she currently thinks.  Below is the email she sent to us, but in summary she thinks we have a bad marriage.  LOL that is certainly news to Tarzan and I.  Okay read her email and then I’ll continue with additional thoughts below. 

Soapchick and Tarzan,

For the past 2 weeks I have been thinking about our journey. I have very much enjoyed spending time with both of you and getting to know you. As I've gotten to know you better, I have also gotten a look into your lives. After my visit to Chicago, a concern that had been growing for some time became impossible to ignore. I watched and listened to how you interact, and I listened to your future plans. After I left, something kept nagging at me, and after much thought and discussion with Paul, I finally put a finger on it. You are two separate people living separate lives. I feel that the one and a half years you have spent apart has been detrimental to your marriage and relationship. Do you think that your relationship will last the rest of your lives?

It seems that the only thing bringing the two of you together is having a baby. It appears that your relationship is not enough to make the sacrifice to move to be together. And, sadly, babies don't automatically bring a better relationship in a marriage....they have the potential to make things so much worse. We do and say things that we never thought we would do when we are over tired and over stressed. Being over tired and over stressed is basically the first year of having a baby. My point in saying this is, I think your marriage might have a difficult time making it through intact. Especially when it is already fractured through having a lengthy long distance relationship.

I think that we should take a step back. I think that the two of you need to focus on getting back together and nurturing your marriage. As hard as this is for me to say, this is my termination letter. I have sent this letter to your lawyer per Simi's instruction. If I understand what Simi said correctly, our agreement will be terminated 2 months after our last insemination.
If you would like for me to get a Beta drawn to prove I am not pregnant, I am more than happy to do so. I'll do it tomorrow if you request it.

R

Now for some background information and my rebuttal:  First of all yes the argument we had in the car as we were lost and stuck in Chicago traffic getting her to the airport was unfortunate. It was embarrassing, I was mad at Tarzan for getting mad at me in front of her. It did not make a good impression, especially on someone who doesn’t know you all that well.  However that little style of argument happens about 3 times per year between us, whether we live together or are living mostly apart as we are now. If that means we have a fractured marriage well then I guess according to her definition we do. However in our book it was a minor argument and we moved on 5 minutes later.  The rest of the time that we had with R went great as far as we knew. Not sure if she expected us to be displaying all sorts of PDA in front of her or what.  Apparently she thinks the 16 hours she spent with us in Chicago gives her the insight, intuition and authority to act as a marriage counselor and she has concluded that we could not handle a baby and are headed for divorce court.

Secondly, her assumptions regarding our 18 month commuter marriage situation is way off base. She clearly has forgotten, or has chosen to disregard how, what and why has transpired. Tarzan was laid off for 9 months when the automotive industry crashed, in a state devastated more than any other by the downturn in the economy. There was even a 32 day period when we were both unemployed. Tarzan took the job in Chicago because he didn’t have a choice.  However when he took the job it was with the understanding that it would be temporary, that he would work there for 9-12 months and then would try to transfer back with Siemens, or by the economy would improve enough for him to find a job back in Michigan.  It wasn’t until 9 months ago when we decided to pursue surrogacy, that we seriously considered a move to Chicago.  It was also only because we finally determined that we cannot do compensated surrogacy in the State of Michigan.  Granted it has taken longer than I thought it would to move there. Tarzan is slow to make decisions, but I understand his hesitation because I know him. We’ve spent more than $50k on failed fertility treatments, we were about to spend $40-$50k of our savings on surrogacy, we have a $450,000 house that will sell for $350k if we are lucky.  On top of all of that Tarzan doesn’t really like his job. He was having difficulty deciding between renting or buying in Chicago.  However more than a month ago we put the house up for sale by owner and for executive lease. We’ve had at least 8 showings during that time, and I was going out to Chicago this coming 4 day weekend to look at some houses.  Yes I will admit it has moved slower than I like, but it’s not been 18 months of indecision. Plans changed half way through that time due to surrogacy.

Her assertion that the only thing bringing us together is a baby is way off.  I actually laughed when I read that. Actually it is the opposite; a baby is the only thing keeping us apart. Had we decided not to pursue surrogacy, he would have moved back to Michigan last November when he had the opportunity. He turned down 2 job opps because we had to move to IL to do surrogacy.

If we didn’t have a strong marriage and had the “fractured” marriage she thinks we have, it would have crumbled 3, 2 and 1 year ago.

• It would have crumbled after our 2^nd failed IVF 3 years ago; it didn’t.
• It would have crumbled after our devastating donor egg IVF failure – what we thought was a sure thing, the holy grail of infertility treatments; it didn’t.
• It would have failed 14 months ago when we went to our 3^rd RE, I had endometriosis surgery, and then we got a diagnosis of high FSH; it didn’t.
• It would have failed 10 months ago we got the call, as we were driving to the RE for our transfer that our last frozen embryo had died during the thaw; it didn’t. 
• If we had a bad marriage, it wouldn’t have survived the last 18 months of a commuter marriage; it didn’t.
• We’ve been through more shit than most 5 year marriages have and we are closer because of it.

She is looking at our marriage through the lens that she has lived her own life. She got married at age 22 and had kids right away; her husband is even a year younger than she. She is 29, he is 28 and clearly they think they know everything.  She’s never lived as an independent adult, had her own friends, hobbies, etc, as Tarzan and I have. We met when we were 34 and 36. We were fully functioning, independent, fulfilled adults with full-time professional jobs/careers, our own circle of friends, many interests, and hobbies. When we got married much of that didn’t change. We are still independent, have our own friends, have some new couple friends, but still have our own hobbies and interests, as well as many we share together.  We also both grew up in families where we were taught that sometimes sacrifice is necessary in the pursuit of long-term goals.  All of that has given us the strength and resilience to handle the last 18 months a helluva lot better than most couples would.  She thinks we are living separate lives. Does she know that we talk twice a day; morning to share our plans for the day, and then at night to recap how our days went?  Does she know that even if we lived together I’d still have my girlfriends that I’d go out with, I’d still be cat-crazy, he’d still be sports crazy and the only difference is that we’d be eating dinner together and sleeping in the same bed 7 nights a week instead of 2-3? 

What bothers me most is not necessarily that she formed this judgment of us in her head; it’s that she didn’t talk to us about it. If we had a good match, then she would have discussed her concerns with us in a conversation – not in a termination email CCing our lawyer! She’s 29 and thinks she knows everything. She thinks she is an expert on marriage, and our marriage in particular! I so want to tell her that I would love to talk to her in 13 years when she is the age I am now and see what she thinks then? When life has thrown her a few more curve balls and she’s had to make tough decisions. I know that when I was 29 I was much more judgmental than I am now.  Thankfully I learned a lot in my 30s. I can only hope the same for her.

I also want to answer her question about whether our marriage will last the rest of our lives. I want to tell her that hell yeah it will survive! If it’s survived the bull shit we’ve been through with infertility it can survive anything. I will also tell her that I will be sending a card to HER on OUR 10^th, 15^th and 20^th anniversaries to remind her that we are still happily married.

When we were in Chicago she asked me if I wished it had worked out with A, the other surrogate that I really liked (more like was totally in love with)? I lied and told her something like “only if I could have had 2 kids, but that I was happy it didn’t work out because I liked her so much” (meaning R).  I can tell you that hands down the answer is yes. A would have never pulled what R has pulled this week and last. A would have addressed her concerns in a phone call or skype.  A and I just connected in a way that R and I never did. The good news is that I am still very much friends with A and although she will never be our surrogate, she’s been of great support to me over the past few days.  However I tried because I did like R and I figured if Tarzan was happy with her, then I could be too.  I thought she was easy going and that we could make it work. Tarzan has admitted to me that after our trip to Dallas he had some major reservations about R but that he was going along with it to make me happy. 

At the end of the day R did us a favor by terminating before she got pregnant. Can you imagine if she had pulled shit like that after she was already pregnant?  Unfortunately it cost us a lot of money.  Much to my surprise Tarzan isn’t even that upset about the money. I’m the one who is pissed off to high heaven about it.  $7000 down the drain. Oh well. I guess that goes to show that each of us is rubbing off on the other.  Tarzan is relaxing about money and I am hoarding it. LOL!  However we did just get another bill today from our lawyer and he is mad about that. He told me not to pay it and he will be calling her office tomorrow to discuss it.

If anyone wants to help me craft an appropriate response to R, please feel free. I cannot have closure without telling her how skewed her judgment is. If she is going to judge us, I want her to have all of the pertinent information with which to do so. If nothing else comes out of this, I want her to go forward with a new perspective and perhaps think a little differently the next time she goes to judge someone and thinks she knows what is going on in their lives and how they should live it. I want her to look back 10 years from now and realize what an idiot she was at age 29.

I have a new appreciation for IPs who want to have a business-only relationship with their surrogates. They’ve probably been through the wringer like we have, and just don’t want to deal with trying to have a close relationship with someone.  We are completely done though. No more emotion, hope, time or money is going to be spent chasing a baby. We will re-adjust our life dreams and go on from here.  We won’t have to save money for college educations, or pay $100k for our daughter’s fancy Italian wedding. We’ll be well off in our retirement. We’ll be able to travel and do whatever we want. We’ll be able to focus on being a better aunt, uncle, daughter, son, sister, brother, friend, husband and wife. 

Thank you all for your compassion and love over the past 4 years. I’ll keep this blog going, but it will just be my private area to talk about whatever random thing is going on in my life. My public blog is becoming the cat blog because now that I won’t be having human children, I’ll probably become even nuttier in love with my felines.