I'm going to complain now

Let's back up to Friday when I was rushing around getting ready to head to the train station to catch my 5:30 PM train to Chicago. I logged onto my email for the first time that day just to send AB a note telling her that I was heading to the train station and for her to contact me on Saturday so we could finalize our plans for Sunday. I opened email and found this note:

Hi Kelly,

I'm feeling like my situation has changed quite a bit since we last spoke in person and, because I feel so strongly about honesty in surrogacy, I feel like I need to come forward and be honest with you.

I have been talking to another couple for a little while. They came into the picture shortly after I started talking to you and at first I wasn't feeling convinced that they were even really a possibility, but my opinion has changed. I'm not telling you I'm matching with them, I just need for you to know that I'm feeling like I'm in a really difficult position right now because I think I'm at a place with both couples where we're past the point of being able to move on without any feelings getting hurt.

From where I stand, you are both fantastic couples and I truly believe I could have a good journey with either one of you. I've laid out my reasons for wanting to match with both of you, Charlie and I have weighed our pros and cons, and still I'm conflicted. There just doesn't seem to be a true obvious choice and I don't know how to make this decision knowing that one couple is going to be let down and left back at square one.

I am still really looking forward to our visit this weekend because I hope it will help me, but I didn't want you to come under the impression that you were still the only IPs I was talking to, and I also wanted to let you know that because of the way the situation has changed, I don't think I will be comfortable giving you an answer while you are here. I just need a few days to process and make a decision.

Safe travels this weekend!

I'm very angry at myself because I had a feeling in my gut a few weeks ago that I ignored.  You see I  knew she had posted her advert again on the surrogacy website we are using, but I chose to ignore it and not ask her about it.  I should have followed my instinct and asked her if she had reservations about us and she felt she needed to talk to other couples.  I guess I was afraid of what I would hear. Then when we met on Skype and it went pretty well, I thought maybe she did like us.  I thought we had been open with each other about the other people we were talking to. I'd kept her totally informed about the status of other couples and was trying to maintain a spirit of full disclosure.  As you know Tony wanted me to respond to other ads and I told him no, not until we meet AB.  She lead me to believe that we were the only couple she was seriously talking to, so when I got that email from her on Friday it took the wind out of my sails. It also gave a feeling of "I told you so" - meaning I already knew there were some red flags and I should have paid attention to them. 

I called Tony before I left for the train station and read him her note, and then he helped me craft a response. I knew if I responded it wouldn't be very nice, so he calmed me down and told me it wasn't a big deal and that's okay because until or unless we meet someone face to face we are never going to know if it's the right match. I responded with a very understanding note and told her it was okay and that we need to be the right couple for her, not just the other way around and that the only way to know is to meet face to face. 

I then took the train to Chicago and was able to spend time with Tony.  AB finally texted me on Saturday evening to make plans for Sunday. We planned to arrive in Davenport, IA for lunch time and meet.  Then Sunday morning the phone rang at 6:45 with her saying they'd been in the hospital all night with their daughter.  She apologized but what was I supposed to say? Of course my first concern was the health of her daughter, but at the same time I feel that maybe it's just not meant to be. The problem is now rescheduling. I'm going back to Michigan and I've decided that I'm not coming back out here until I move. Well guess what? We haven't found a frickin condo yet. Tarzan is being so picky, so as of now I am not moving out here on January 1st.  Who the hell knows when it will be, but I'm not coming back until we have a place to live.  AB has to take an overseas trip in mid January for her job, so at this point it will be February before we meet. 

Tony and I talked on Sunday and we made some decisions:  1) We are going to re-post our ad.  2) We are going to search for 2 surrogates. We want 2 kids and since we are learning that surrogacy is a very long and complex process, it could be 2 years before we have a child at which point I'll be the oldest mom on the planet.  We are not going to rely on one surrogate, and honestly we may have to go through 4 surrogates before we get 2 kids.  

The good news is that I've continued to talk to AA who is the surrogate from Oregon whom I really like. She and I have connected in a way that I cannot explain and I can totally be myself with her. Whereas with AB I've had to be a bit more formal.  We are going to skype with her after Christmas.  We'll see who responds to our new ad as well.  

So as usual in my life, nothing ever goes as planned. We don't have a surrogate and I won't be moving out in early January.  I am getting to my breaking point with living apart from Tarzan and I told him so this weekend.  If this doesn't get resolved soon I'm going to go off the deep end. This is ridiculous.  We've been living apart more than 25% of the time we've been married. 

As you can tell I am not in my happy place. I know this too shall pass, but in the meantime it all sucks!