Thanks for checking on me ladies. I'm fine, just been busy as heck since I got back from Florida. We had our youngest niece's baptism last Sunday, then it was back to work on Monday. Of course being off for a week leads to 200 emails in the HP inbox. I also went right back to yoga, so I've just been trying to keep up this week with work, the house, etc. I did go back to acupuncture too because they called me with a free birthday session. Sweet!! I met with the acupuncturist beforehand and told her that I wanted to go on some herbs since that is the only thing I haven't tried yet. I'm not expecting them to get me pregnant, but I am hoping they will have some positive effects on my uterine lining, dryness, libido, insomnia, etc. She gave me a little bottle that has a dropper that I put into hot water 2-3 times per day. It's called Free & Easy Wanderer (Xiao Yao Wan), It doesn't taste bad at all.
My mother-in-law came over for coffee late this morning to give me my birthday present. She got me the most beautiful 18k white gold pendant with a chain. Dang I've got awesome in-laws! I told Tony on the phone tonight and he said "geez how much jewelry is she going to give you? Like you don't have enough". I told him to shush that at least his mom gets me things that I like. haha. I'll try to take a picture, although it won't do it justice. It's from Italy of course and it's got diamond cutting in the pendant so it sparkles like diamonds. We chatted for an hour over coffee and of course she asked me what we are going to do. I told her probably nothing - that Tony wasn't open to adoption and I didn't want to spend the money on surrogacy. I told her that Tony doesn't really seem interested in talking about anything, and I'm done with it all. She understood and didn't try too hard to convince me to keep trying. She just told me that we have to do whatever it is to be happy, but that she didn't want us to have regrets. I told her that was something we discussed before that we want to be able to look back when we are 70 years old and not have regrets. However that it's now to a point that we are sick of it all and want to move on and find new dreams. She understood and told me that I need to do whatever is right for me - that if I really feel the deep desire to be a mom, that I shouldn't give up, but if I can move on and be happy without them, that it's okay too. It was a good conversation.
I don't know what the future holds, but I am now 42 years old and the more I think about it, the more I am okay with not having kids and just focusing on my life with Tarzan. I don't want to be 50 with a baby. However I also want to get to the point where I'm not upset when I hear pregnancy announcements from 18 year olds. I'm sure my cousin's daughter is just the first of what will be many young mother's in my family among the next generation. That's just how they roll. Just as long as it's not one of my nieces/nephews because I would kill them! I guess I'd also just like some validation from my cousins' and other family members that they empathize with my struggle with infertility. Unfortunately no one ever asks me how I'm doing - they just ignore my disease. I'm sure to them it's not considered a disease - they just think I got married too old and it's just something I have to get over. They don't know about the endometriosis, or the fact that I'll most likely go into menopause 8 years before they will. I know Emily had a couple of blog posts comparing cancer and other diseases to how infertility is treated. I can't even come close to writing as intelligently as she did about that, and believe me, I'd much rather have infertility than cancer as I've seen up close what that does. However I would also like for someday infertility to be talked about more openly and for the fertiles in my family to be able to have some empathy for people in my situation instead of just ignoring it.
Our trip was a lot of fun. I'm planning on posting the pictures on my public blog and writing more about the trip, but I haven't gotten around to it. Not that it matters because most of you are my FB friends anyway and already know everything we did and saw the pictures too. Also no news on our move to Chicago. Tarzan is still waiting to find out if/when he is going to Germany. My luck we'll be moving in the snow.
2 comments:
I like the new picture!
Thinking about you lots and lots, and wishing we lived closer for walks, talks, and cocktails.
xo
I am so glad you had a good time! And how sweet of your mother-in-law! What a nice gift and even better that she took the time to ask you how you were doing.
I also totally know what you mean about finding some peace in not having kids. I think if I could somehow just let go of having kids and not feel pain at every pregnancy announcement, I could almost see us being ok without children.
But it's scary to wonder if that will ever go away...
But once you officially decide, then think of all the money you WONT have to save for college and such. Hopefully it would mean a lot more traveling and a more adventurous lifestyle. At least that's what I think about anyway.
We definitely need to meet for coffee soon. I'd love to hear more about how you're doing!
And definitely let me know when you hear about Germany. Do you even know what city they are sending him too? Maybe it's not even close to where we'll be.
Big hugs!
Post a Comment