This is a public service announcement for everyone who has or will have in the future a loved one (family or friend) facing a serious illness or recovering from surgery and therefore in PAIN - DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT JUST "SHOW UP" FOR A VISIT BECAUSE YOU HAD TO COME!!! Ugh people - get a clue!!!
Yesterday when I got to Anne's, her parents were still there, but a few minutes before my arrival, Anne's boss/sort of friend shows up to see Anne. Her parents thought it might be me, so they let her in. Well Anne rushed into her bedroom and pulled up the covers, because she didn't want just anyone to see her. This person proceeded to stay for well over 20 minutes chatting up a storm with Anne, giving her gifts, etc. Anne is the type of person who is nice as pie - she laid there smiling and chatting with her "boss" (only sort of) - while she was really thinking "get the heck out of my house, I don't want you here, I have to go to the bathroom, and it's 15 minutes past the time I need to take another pain pill". Her parents left and I told them I'd take good care of Anne. This other woman finally left! We then agreed that if anyone else showed up unannounced, I would not be letting them in. In fact we almost missed a floral delivery because I wasn't going to answer the door - thankfully we noticed last minute that it was the flower guy.
I realize (and Anne does too) that she has many, many friends who care deeply for her and want to help. However she was only 4 days post surgery yesterday and still in major pain, and not up for social visits. It is not helpful to show up uninvited to see someone who has just gone through a very physically and emotionally painful surgery, and who is facing many fears about her future health. No matter if you think you are that person's best friend. Anne, or any person going through something similar, has very little control in her life right now, but what she can control is who is around her, who she allows to help her, and who she talks to. She has the right to maintain that control. It IS OKAY to send cards, flowers, food, prayers, and an occasional text message. It is NOT OKAY to just show up at the person's house.
For the moment Anne nor I are going to send out an email to all of her co-workers/third cousins/acquaintances politely asking them to stay away....unless it becomes absolutely necessary. However what I am going to do is vent here on my blog and let my readers know how I suggest handling this, should they face it in their own lives. None of us can fix something if we aren't aware. Well readers - you are now aware. Sorry if I sound like a beetch, but that's just how it is.
5 comments:
I am so sorry for Anne and for you having to be the bouncer at the door. I had a friend go through a very painful surgery last year and I was the "point-person" for all inquiries. I could not BELIEVE the stuff people said/did/showed up with, etc...
Anne is lucky to have you for a friend. I will continue to hope for a smooth (uninterrupted) recovery for her.
I know that what Anne is going through is way different than the circumstances surrounding my surgery a few weeks ago, but I was surprised at how many people wanted to come visit me, and how many actually came and would not LEAVE after a short period of time. It's a lot to recover from, and just having to be social is draining.
Anne continues to be in my prayers.
How stupid. Of course no one should come over! When I had some complicated surgeries in the past years, I had a few come over and leave some food/flowers/etc with my husband, but they never asked to see ME.
Wishing Anne all the good vibes!
Totally agree...she needs to recover...you're a good protector!
Great idea!! I can't imagine the pain she must have been going through. But I am glad doctors think she is cancer free now.
You are a wonderful friend for doing so much!
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