This may help explain a little bit

I don't have the energy to write anymore, but this letter from AA from Oregon explains a lot of what has been going on over the past month. I just received this tonight, but knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time based on all that has happened, or not happened.  There is more, but this is much of it related to surrogacy.  She was the one for me, but not for Tarzan.  My heart is broken and it honestly takes me back to my love affairs prior to meeting Tony - when my heart was ripped out of my chest because I wanted something so badly, but the other person didn't.  In this case it was AA and I who wanted it, but Tarzan did not.  Maybe there is another reason that she came into my life, but I am honored to have "met" her and I pray to God that I get to keep her as a friend. You will see by her email what an amazing woman she is. 

Hi,

I don’t even know how to write this email. I apologize if it’s worded poorly, it’s difficult for me at times to word myself in an email when I am emotional.

I’ve taken a lot of time over the past couple of weeks especially to think things through. I’ve talked to Tom, my parents and in-law’s, friends, other surrogates and intended parent’s.. I’ve been going over this, trying to make sure I am making the right decision, as surrogacy is so important in my life.

I’ve decided that I can’t work with you and Tony. I want to so much, but his indecisiveness and taking more time makes me think that deep down, he knows/feels I am not the one to help you have your baby/babies. This is hard, because I feel like I’ve developed such an awesome relationship with you. I REALLY like you. And I want so much to see you holding your baby boy or girl in your arms, to see your face as you snuggle your little one, to know that you feel the awesomeness of what it is to FEEL your heart living outside of your body.. And please don’t be mad at Tony, because I’ve been thinking, maybe even if he doesn’t know it himself, maybe his gut is saying, “We have yet to meet HER.” Granted, no one is perfect, but maybe I’m just not the one for you guys. That’s okay. Maybe he still wants to find someone closer, which is understandable in that it cuts down on costs and such especially, I’d imagine!

And you know I am not into rushing things. I had the NJ IM wanting to push things forward quickly, I’ve had other couples that I talked with back in Sept that were ready by December, but I wasn’t going to put a timeline on my getting to know them and rush myself into liking them. That would be unfair to them and myself. But I am ready to move forward once I find “the ones,” ready to get going on the contract and all of the other boring yet necessary things.

I am so sorry. I’ve never had such a difficult time in making a decision in surrogacy like I have this decision. I’d still love to follow your journey, to help if I can at all, to see your surrogate get pregnant and you to have your baby..

Talk more soon, I hope.

-AA